Season 1 Episode 2 - The First Month

Greetings viewers, and welcome back to And Then There Was One, Episode 2 of the world's first, only and probably final reality blog made exclusively for, by and about army painters. I am your host, Captain Crooks of the Funky Wenis Rodeo, coming to you live from a bunker deep beneath the earth, bringing you this hot mess of an experience.

Dramatic Exploitation

 

    The first month of this challenge saw the contestants settle into their new deserted island luxury mansion home with few hiccups (we found the regurgitated remains of Ryan Reynold's underwear hidden in a bush, but it's probably not important as he is still alive for now). As there are 10 contestants and 5 rooms, we paired them off by random assignment - JB with Mustafa, Rochie with Baz Paz, Dave with Lamorack, Kane with Ryan and the Whiskey Priest with Salem. Apart from a few arguments, death threats, dining-room fisticuffs and duels at noon, everyone has been getting along famously. Lamorack was a little taken aback when Dave stripped naked and fled into the woods making loud modem sounds on the 14th day in the middle of their desperate search for food in the wilderness, but the odd, advanced-looking wifi-router sitting in the middle of the floor of their shared room comforts him with its whispers in the small hours.

All contestants, bar one, finished their pledges before the due date of January 1st - and the quality has been amazing! All this in spite of the fact they had nothing to eat but salmonella-rich hermit crabs harvested from the pitiful rockpools in the natural and fairly polluted harbour, and we replaced all the paint jar water with toilet water! Several contestants now have cholera!

In a move that surprised literally no one, Rochie finished his month's pledge a full 19 days early, earning him pole position, a rank that has absolutely no meaning in the context of this contest. He spent the rest of the month roaming the deserted island practising his throat singing and getting in touch with himself, which is absolutely a euphemism for masturbation.

Mustafa came second. That's also masturbatory.

 

JB spent many days trying to wash the ball-sweat-stank out of his pillow-case. He is still trying. You can still really taste that tang. In spite of this, he managed to be the next one to complete his pledge. The others submitted their entries closer to the due date, which denied them as many of those early bird points - however, spending more time on their entries may well pay off, for reasons we shall reveal later - so don't put down your eyeballs, it's ATTWO time!

 

Captain Crooks of The Funky Wenis Rodeo

Greetings vaqueros! I won't lie, it's been a bit lonely down here in my Baz-proof bunker deep beneath the earth, watching these poor fools scramble about via bank after bank of harshly glaring monitors - so I decided to have a go at some Imperial Fist space marines to pass the time. I painted exactly 250pts worth of the Emperor's Finest, to fulfil a childhood dream of mine held close since the first time I beheld the Imperial Fists Supremacy Force army set - an image that is burned into my retinas forever... probably because of all that primary coloured armour. 

Anyway, here they are - a combat squad of Tactical Marines, and a Scout Squad. Enjoy!

Baz Paz of no fixed address

 The 1847th Regiment of Praetorians ‘Hold Fasts’ started with Squad 1 with a Sergeant with autopistol and chainsword and a grenade launcher: 113 pts

Command Squad w/ Lieutenant with powersword and laspistol and a missile launcher: 90 pts

Primaris Psyker with a force rod: 47 pts

Total: 250 pts

     So far this reality challenge has resulted in much less cake or dangerous liaisons than Captain Crooks promised. And I’m still waiting to meet Ryan Reynolds, who’s being a bit of a dick it seems. Everybody else in the challenge either can’t count - JB Asslessman, or is cheating by starting with half painted miniatures- JB Asslessman. But at least he’s painted something. Tension is running high in the house and the the first eviction can’t come soon enough - looking at you Rochie. Next month is another squad and a chimera. Laterz!

  

Rochie Rochfort of Buried Under Lead

    I know, I know, you're all waiting for me, and I appreciate your adoration I really do, it's you guys out there that keeps me doing what I do.

So, in a group consisting of a cheating French BASTARD, an Irishman spitting in the face of his ancestors, a Scot with a midget fetish and a pack of feral Australians, I'm the normal one, mad innit? Month one has wrapped with the four terminators with various cunty weapons put to bed, and giving me a healthy 260 point chunk of the overall army boxed off. 

Next month is the balance of the terminators and a squad of veterans which I've been converting, there's a few bits done as a homage to the Blanche pages in the codex (but I'm still not a Blanche nonce like the "fuck brown paint at everything and call it art" shower) , and after that I'll be looking at adding some marked units. Which ones will it be? Stay tuned to find out!

 

 

Salem of The Blackhole Ketosis

As the inaugural month concludes, my modest squad of chaos marines stands akin amidst a sea of mediocrity, for a total of 248pts.

Starting with some second hand renegades, their filthy amateur paint jobs required scouring away in chemicals and sonic cleaner.

The result wasn't perfect, but I employed a selection of my favourite fine steel picks and blades. These I have built up skills with over many years, albeit against usually softer, more animated subjects. I was able to clean them to a sufficient level to begin priming. I was using Stynylrez by Badger through my airbrush for the first time, instead of my regular Vallejo. The difference was subtle, barely perceptible, like the difference between an eggshell coloured business card and an ivory one.

These other contestants, if even this could be a "competition" with me in it, slop forth their expected lackluster brushstrokes, their feeble attempts at vibrancy lost in their murky colour schemes. In contrast, my deliberate choice of a limited yet striking palette – metallic red, silver, and blue, with a black oil wash– not only catches the eye but serves as a testament to my discerning taste. While others fumble with their paints, my calculated restraint allows me to fly under their radar, leaving them with some modicum of hope. 

Let them revel in their feeble attempts; my mastery of the hobby remains unspoken, waiting for the right moment to eclipse their lackluster endeavors. They can toil away for some months still, and I along with them. 

I seek no fame, I am merely here, and they there. And in the end, no one will know from where the killing blow comes, but it shall. For now, the next trial begins, and I may just allow a glimpse of my true talents through in this month.

 

  

 

JB Asslessman of Leadplague

 

The Avatar, THE AVATAR.

300 points in one mighty fiery pack of hatred and might and errr fire.

That's giving me a headstart of 50 points ahead of the others and he's the tallest model by far so it's pretty clear this challenge is already won and over.

New year celebrations will have pushed half the contestants over the edge of alcoholism, the other half will be crying like BABIES about me entering the challenge because they had no chance and the last half will just never finish so I totally OWN the competition.

Next entry should be an easy one as well (for me) and use the advance I got. It's a converted Eldrad Ulthran who will be played as a vanilla Farseer and maybe Eldrad himself in big games if they ever happen.

I'm really glad how big A turned out in the end, pretty much as planned, trying to give different qualities to different parts with still the same palette, I really think army generals set the tone for armies and this one will inspire a lot of what's to come.

I guess the rest will just end up with their boss at the very end in a shocking lack of talent and inspiration.

SAD

 

Mr Saturday of Mr Saturday's Mumblings

01001100 01001111 01001110 01000111 00100000 01001100 01001001 01010110 01000101 00100000 01010100 01001000 01000101 00100000 01001110 01000101 01010111 00100000 01000110 01001100 01000101 01010011 01001000 00100001

 

Whiskey Priest of The Leadpile

Warrior Squad - 85 points. 4 Boltguns - 12 points. Heavy Bolter - 11 Points. 1 Hearthguard - 23 points. Boltgun - 3 points. 1st Squad 134 pts. Warrior Squad - 85 points. 4 Boltguns - 12 points. Heavy Bolter - 11 Points. 1 Hearthguard - 23 points. Las Pistol - 1. Chainsword - 2 points. 2nd Squad 134 pts. Monthly Total 268pts.

 

    It's been a tough old month, I haven't managed to convince anyone to part with any cash through my multifarious schemes. My email scams offering to exchange spare copies of The Book of the Astronomican for beach front properties in the south of France fell on deaf ears, despite me sending them to every Nigerian prince I could find in the phone book. I studied every episode of Scam Interceptors on BBC1 during the holidays in order to pick up tips for my phone scam enterprise where I phoned up the partners of each of the other contestants in the Wargamers house of sinners and tried to sell them the ideal Christmas present for their loved ones. Who'd have thunk that the offer of a bag of Rogue Trader tabs swept off of John Blanches floor was only of interest to a single lovely lady. She was very nice and I only realised that I wasn't cut out for the scamming life when she emptied my bank account by buying $12.50 worth of Wargames Foundry gift vouchers! I'll have my revenge next month, I swear by Lucifer! My schemes have already begun to percolate with in my evil lobes of doom!!

 

Kane the Portrayer of Instagram Fame

By the whispering Eye of Terror, painting yellow trim on black really tested my resolve. Thankfully I am too far gone for a Dorn's fart of redemption. 

The total points for December's pledge came to 302pts (Aspiring champ w/ powerfist, 7 bolters, plasma gun and meltagun), slightly over the pledge but hey if that's a problem come fight me.

For Jan, I will be taking on 5 terminators who I am confident will trim me well into the ground. 

And for February, I challenge JB to either begin making sense to the common man or pledge more than one model a month!

 

 

 

Mustafa of Spevna Studio

Terminator Squad: 315 points

Assault Cannon: 41 points

Total: 356 points

    Not much to say about these lads really. Pretty vanilla entry for my first month. They are Ultramarines, they are codex compliant, but they are mucky bastards! They’ve been out in the field for a while and haven’t had the chance to get their armour to the servitors for a good clean.

Don’t look at the sergeant’s knee pad. Looks ok in the photo, but it’s dog shit close up.

 

 

 

 

Lamorak Shard of Ostermark

Eldar Falcon (198) + Scatter Laser (35) = 233

    In my first month I painted a Falcon, partly because it’s a cool model and one that I didn’t manage to do justice 20 years ago.

For my second month I need to start pretending that my army should be game legal. So I am adding my compulsory HQ as a Farseer, and this venerable elder of the Eldar won’t be going anywhere without his Dire Avenger bodyguards. 4 of whom are in the army, two might be painted as a Brucie Bonus.

  

Ryan Reynolds of ryanreynoldsofficial.com

Guys, I'm a little, y'know, I'm just a little... vexed. Yeah, vexed. I've been locked in my room for the last month trying to follow the advice of these... people here with me, in order to get my hands on some Oldhammetts from the Facebook sales groups, but those... lousy... JERKS... wouldn't let me in their stupid group for JERKS. They didn't believe it was really me, Hollywood celebrity Ryan Reynolds!

Worse, I think they might have reported me as being a fake because now my account is blocked! I'M TOO RICH FOR THIS SHIT.

Fortunately I have hired a specialist to go onto the eBay and hunt down some of these rare and slightly poisonous (?) models so I can finally show Henry Cavill that just because he's handsome and tall and, y'know, has some painting skills, that he's not the biggest 40,000 Warhammer in town! In fact I'm a whole inch and one half taller! Google that shit!

 

 

Judgement Time!

    Now that you've seen the results of the first month, it's time to reveal to the contestants a couple of surprises. First of all, we have a scoring system that is based on arbitrary decisions made by me, and that will not be remotely consistent throughout the challenge. This month bonus points were awarded for anyone who painted precisely 250pts - and all contestants who went over or under had the equivalent points deducted! Isn't that fun!

Secondly - we have three judges, or 'Big Brothers*', that have been summoned by dire ritual to come and assess the work each month and choose the best entry according to their area of expertise. The three categories being judged are:

- Best Painted

- Most Gameworthy

- Most Fluffy

So let's hear what these Big Brothers have to say!

Brother Brush

"Army of the month is Kane the Portrayer's Chaos Space Marines. 'Cos he is a masochist and I approve of his poor choices.

2E was a lowpoint for Chaos Space Marines, as they transitioned from the solid range of solid metal torsos with arms and weapons cast on, to metal torsos with a jumble of plastic bits to glue on.  A squad like this would lose a couple of arms before games, another couple of arms in game, some while they sat in the deadpile, and so on.  They were fiddly to assemble, but Kane has worked through this as half the models that could have their Boltguns two-handed are holding them two-handed!  All the trim has been picked out in a nice contrasting colour to the plate, and the horns man.  Those horns.  Lurid orange horns.  So 1990s.  Bonus marks for including the squaddie with his horns joined together with a little scowling face.  Such a solid start.  I want to see more of this army."

Brother Dice

"What a super set of entries our intrepid army-builders have completed for week one of our competition! Of course every unit has game-worthy qualities - you could argue that a single red-hot alien splinter god has just as much game presence as a full squad of squats or Empire-preserving guardsmen! My choice this week is however that marvellous squad of Khornate renegades by Salem. You can't go wrong with a perfect squad size to skull motif ratio - I count at least 12 skulls (there are certainly more) on five models. This is a squad that is destined to draw the eye and strike terror into the heart of their opponents. And you can't even keep them at an arms length - they have a missile launcher that looks like a jetski for goodness sake! For sheer tabletop presence, the devotees of the Blood God are deemed most game-worthy this time."

Brother Book

"By Jove, old chums! Duty beckons, and I find myself tasked with selecting an entry that would have Queen Victoria's spirits soar like a Spitfire! I choose Baz Paz's Praetorian Guard!  Look at these gallant chaps, with bayonets outsparkling the Crown Jewels. Spit and polished, standing firm to repel the next ork incursion. The effect on the enemy? Well, it's like facing a cup of Earl Grey in the midst of a tempest – an intimidating brew of fortitude and unwavering resolve. By Terra, you'll find yourself more flustered than a penguin in the Sahara. 

Now, Colour Sergeant, let's have these splendid fellows briskly on the march, up and down the Square!"

There it is folks, the numbers are in and the scoreboard stands as so for Month 1.

Baz 250 + 4 + 50 (exact points) + 50 (Most Fluffy) = 354

Salem 250 + 1 - 6 (under points) + 50 (Most Gameworthy) = 295pts

Rochie 250 + 20 - 10 (over points) = 260

Kane 250 + 2 - 52 (over points) + 50 (Best Painted) = 250

Lamorak 250 + 2 - 17 (under points) = 235

Whiskey 250 + 1 - 18 (over points) = 233

Mustafa 250 + 10 - 65 (over points) = 195

JB 250 + 9 - 50 (over points) = 191

Dave ☆○♡ + 》》《《 (ËŘŘØŔ) = ⅝⅝⅝

Ryan Reynolds 0

Cunth of the Month

There's just one more thing. From next month onwards, all the contestants will be invited to vote for the 'Cunth of the Month'. This anonymous vote will determine by majority who, if any, are to be considered the biggest Cunth - with a healthy deduction of points for the unfortunate cunth. Will the contestants take this chance to engage in some hearty backstabbery, or will the better angels of their nature prevail? Tune in next month for the next instalment of ATTWO!