Season 1 Episode 3 - The Second Month
Greetings viewers, and welcome back to And Then There Was One, Episode 3 of the world's first, only and probably final reality blog made exclusively for, by and about army painters. I am your host, Captain Crooks of the Funky Wenis Rodeo, coming to you live from the toilet of the International Space Station, bringing you this heinous mush of an experience.
Dramatic Exhortation
Month two of this challenge saw the complexities of social interplay come to the fore; by which I mean everyone basically teased and made fun of each other until someone cried. Celebrity Contestant Ryan Reynolds spent most of the month either on the phone to his manager (hey, who gave him a phone??) or rigorously policing the line he drew across the living quarters he shares with Kane and accusing the poor baffled lad of stealing his underwear (it is true that all his grundies are now missing but as to who took/ate them, that's anyone's guess).
We had only two members fail to get their miniatures done this month - Dave has not reappeared since the day he vanished whilst hiking but I did receive a strange glowing orb in the mail from him that I haven't managed to open yet. I assume his entry is inside and won't even question how it came to be delivered to me in outer space.
Ryan was the second one to 'fail' but he has been granted access to a special dispensation and will be on track by next month. In unrelated news, I have a new Ferarri.
The contestants struggled with low morale this month, possibly due to all the cholera, and so we didn't see any results until quite late and some of them were still painting with minutes to go until deadline! Don't they know the price of failure is certain death? No? Did I forget to mention that? Oh well.
This month it was Kane who was first over the line, followed once again by Mustafa (into the bathroom) and Baz Paz was third - these three will get a special biscuit to share for their efforts. It will make a nice treat after all the hermit crabs.
Now, it's ATTWO time, so fetch your reading glasses, plant your fetid asses and read on...
Captain Crooks of The Funky Wenis Rodeo
Greetings Vaqueros! Do you know how hard it is to paint in zero gravity? Of course you don't, they won't let just anyone into space. No sirree. They definitely wouldn't let me in if I asked. Lucky I didn't ask...
During my time locked in this space toilet I managed to squeeze out a couple of command figures for my Imperial Fists force - these bois and their gear come to a hearty 248pts, with all the forcefields and bionic limbs I could find tacked onto them. Enjoy!
Baz Paz of no fixed address
Well that’s Month 2 pledge done. Another squad of infantry and some light support in the form of a Chimera. Done with a bit off time to spare. And 250 points on the nose!
This reality show format would be great if it wasn’t for everybody else. As Sartre probably might have said, other reality show participants are hell, especially the French guy.
Confusion reigns. Some think it’s like Love Island and spend their time trying to cop off with people; that’s you Whiskey Priest. That’s still better than the fringe ‘Bake Off’ splinter group. Whether it’s JBs French Fancies, Rochies Creamy Buns, Mus’s Pop Tart imitation or the goth's Dark Fudge surprise, never have so many double entendrés been sacrificed so needlessly.
Anyway this month is the last two Praetorian squads - one more infantry and a heavy weapon squad to do.
Laterz!
Rochie Rochfort of Buried Under Lead
Jesus, just scraped in by a gee hair this month, totally lost focus and ended up painting everything but chaos marines, but I pulled myself up by the balls and got stuck in, to the soundtrack of a Frenchman moaning about how hard his SINGLE FIGURE entry was and Baz warming up his drumming for his one man orange bastard march over the memory of his forefathers, the ungrateful soup taking bastard.
Anyway, here we are with four converted veterans and the final terminator to finish last months entry off with some heavy firepower action, 251 points all in which I'll probably be penalised for cos the boss is an arbitrary prick who moves the goalposts more often than a cholera victim moves their bowels. And speaking of the Black Shit, next month is looking like it's going to be smelly so watch this space!
Salem of The Blackhole Ketosis
Again my hand turns to its task, bringing a darkness to the models that echoes my own soul.
That is, some black Badger Stynylrez primer through the airbrush.
Following that, similar to last month, is a heavy zenithal airbrush of Vallejo metal colour silver.
This month, I went with Army Painter blood red speedpaint v1. I like the colour better than the mix I got with the v2 reds I have, and as I was doing an oil wash next, it should avoid the reactivation issues.
Oil washes ground the models, making them more 'grimy'. I don't want to say the portmanteau that people bandy about all the time, suffice to say that I went back and forth a few times with washes, details, washes, and pulling the washes back with white spirit.
Spoiler alret - some of the details work that wasn't sufficiently covered by an oil paint did indeed reactivate the stupid v1 speedpaints in parts.
White ink and solid white paints to spot on the lights and eye lenses as a bright base, and then some fluoro orange airbrushed on to bring out the illumination.
Eventually I got them into a place I was happy with. Nothing spectacular, but should be good as both a unit in 40k, as well as a unit in Space Hulk.
5x Chaos Space Marine Terminators @51 ea = 255
I don't know if these actually cost points, it just says 'may replace' and doesn't mention paying for them. But other options it does have a cost for. So I don't know.
1x exchange combi bolter for Reaper auto cannon @25 ea = 25
2x exchange chain axe for power fist @8 ea = 16
2x exchange chain axe for chain fist @10 ea = 20
1x 'counts as' power mace (for the power sword?) @4 = 4
So either 255, or 255+65 = 320.
Next up, I dragged this out of a drawer while looking for something else, so hopefully there's something I can take to use it for.
So with this month's entry, I wanted to paint the second part of my HQ and that meant the Farseer. Now if you remember, I showed Eldrad Uthran last month. Well he was fully converted, just in need of fresh Green stuff to fix his damaged claok but a global shortage of Green stuff and delays in my order meant the deadline was approaching so I decided to change plans and paint my Vanilla Farseer instead. Everything would have been great if it wasn't for the cold weather and my stupidity getting in the way, making me screw the Wraithbone undercoat badly, making painting the Farseer unpleasant. So my process was getting far into the last section of this chart
It was the day before the deadline with my entry still barely painted and the other entries dropping in with numerous EXTREMELY COMMENTS. So I did what a guy does in this case. I painted for a couple of hours with tears in my eyes and just called it done. It's honestly not the greatest and I feel guilty for letting Jes down but I'm going to make it up to him.
This entry is only 188 points but I had a headstart with the Avatar so that kinda evens out and next month will be a bunch of murderbots...
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Whiskey Priest of The Leadpile
Month 2 done. I'm choked with the cold, I'm grumpy as fuck and these 3 are the only thing I've managed to paint in 2024. Why? I blame having to go back to work on the 2nd of January, it's completely buggered my mojo. I'm hoping things will change this month. Anyway...here's this month's challenge. The start of the command squad. 1 Warlord - 74 points, Exo-Armour - 40 points. 2 Hearthgaurd - 23 points (46), Exo-Armour 40 points (80), 2 Meltabombs 5 (10). 250 points on the dot.
Kane the Portrayer of Instagram Fame
The agony of this much yellow trim on models covered in grim bling have made a contortionist of my wrist. I polished these lads off early but at the cost of potential early onset carpal tunnel.
Sitting here are 5 Terminators (already at 255pts) who would absolutely not run into a warzone naked, hence the additional reaper autocannon (25), combi flamer (6), combi melta (6), chain fists (10x2=20) and 2 power maces (8x2=16) clocking in at 320pts.
I was a bit lazy this month and went for the easy option. You can bang a tank out in a day so January’s offering is Tanky McTank-Face, or a “Land Raider”.
I got a 3D printer for Christmas and, once I’d got the settings right, wanted to print one of these bad boys ASAP.
If you look closely (please don’t!) the print lines are quite visible, so I went with stippling as it’s a good way to obscure some of them. Drybrushing makes the lines stand out like a person with good hygiene at a Warhammer tournament, so I did most of the painting with a sponge.
This comes in at a robust 220 points which is 30 points shy of the monthly total but I painted 300ish last month, so swings and roundabouts.
Lamorak Shard of Ostermark
Month 2 finished and I managed to get the 2 bonus figures done as well, this despite efforts from other contestants to sabotage my efforts. Someone has stolen all my Nuln Oil and I don't know how to carry on with out it.
I'm going to pivot away from my original aspect warriors in Falcons plan this month, can I really call my army an Iyanden army if I don't have at least a squad of Ghost Warriors?
Ryan Reynolds of ryanreynoldsofficial.com
Hey guys, Ryan here, everyone's favourite leading man and heart-throb. I gotta tell you, this month was hard for me. Stuck on this island, with the under-pant stealing freaks and eating awful, AWFUL hermit
crabs every day. It's the worst.
However, things are looking up for ol' Ryan. I managed to hike to the peak of the mountain in the centre of this island to get a smoke signal off to my manager, who air-dropped me a package with a smart-phone and a pack of tighty-whiteys, and I've bought myself a big box of Oldenhammers from eBay.
Yeah! Take that you Oldmanner Community bums! I'll be painting these little dollies in no time, in your face Cavill!
Judgement Time!
It's time to face the judges once again, and this month, in addition to the scores assigned by the three Big Brothers, we will be awarding bonus points to the contestant who has painted the most expensive character to date, because Warhammer 40k 2nd edition is well and truly a product of the HeroHammer(tm) era and we should be expecting to see some of that bullshit by month two.
These bonus points are of course going to JB for his awesome, totally OTT for a 1500pt game Eldar Avatar - this miniature cost him serious points in month one so hopefully he will recoup that loss and some lessons will be learned - I'm not holding my breath on that one, though I should be, because this space toilet reeks.
The three categories being judged are:
- Best Painted
- Most Gameworthy
- Most Fluffy
So let's hear what these Big Brothers have to say!
Brother Brush
"My pick this month is Rochie Rochfort’s Chaos Space Marines. His Chaos Space Marines generate the strongest pang of nostalgia for Days of Yore, with a unit of less-than-five squaddies just making me thirst for that day the 2E Chaos Codex’s colour section showed us all that such things were possible. Those four space lads stood together makes me feel young, feel care-free, feel alive. Assuming that that was intentional, and Rochie’s not just being a lazy-moo and doing 80% of a job. Yeah, okay, he did it last month too with the Terminators (now nullified with this month’s fifth squaddie BAH), but this month he’s done conversions too, turning plastic-metal Imperial Space Marines to his nefarious Chaos purposes - JUST LIKE THE CODEX DID. That outclasses Pazzy Bazzy’s celebrations of the Cool Britannia magnificence of Games Day ’97. That outpaces Salem’s clever mingling of metal Terminator components. That even overcomes my approval of Whiskey Priest’s energy effects on his Exo-Squats’ stabbing triangles. Great work all. Now, to log off AOL connection and get a lift off my Mum to the Nirvana concert."
Brother Dice
"In a month when not one, but TWO bug-eyed space elves find something vitally important to point at, 'most game-worthy' is again a tricky call to make. After some deliberation, the selection became obvious. Kane's Chaos terminators are terrifying, hulking and full of menace, but any such squad which brings along its own psychedelic space disco is always going to get this vote. Just for validation, the Spotify '101 Psychadelic Rave Hits' playlist features tracks including 'Indalia Temple', 'Voices Inside' and 'The Holographic Sphere'. If that doesn't sound like chaotic depravity, I don't know what does."
Brother Book
"Hae a blether at this, ye braw laddies and lassies! By the mighty beard of Thorgrim, we gather to hail the champion of the paint pot, Whiskey Priest. Wi' each splash o' color, they've made oor Squats look like the bonniest Vikings this side o' Valhalla.
Their brush strokes, like the strikes of a seasoned warrior's axe, have imbued our Squats with the spirit of the Northmen, ready tae lay waste tae any foe 'cross the stars. Amidst the rugged landscapes of distant planets, their work stands as a beacon, a reminder that even in the farthest reaches of the galaxy, they will forge their legends!
Raise a dram tae their name, 'n' may their work echo across the galaxies!"
There it is folks, the numbers are in and the scoreboard stands as so for Month 2.
Ryan Reynolds: 0 + 0 + 1000 = 1000pts
Baz: 354 + 250 + 2 = 606pts
Rochie: 260 + 250 + 1 + 50 (Best painted) = 562
Kane: 250 + 250 + 11 + 50 (Most Gameworthy) = 561pts
Salem: 295 + 250 + 2 = 546pts
Whiskey: 233 + 250 + 1 + 50 (Most Fluffy) = 534
JB: 191 + 250 + 1 + 50 (Most Expensive Character) = 492pts
Lamorak: 235 + 250 + 1 = 486pts
Mustafa: 195 + 250 + 2 = 447pts
Dave: ⅝⅝⅝ + [microwave beeping noise] + = \m/
Cunth of the Month
In an unexpected turn of events, though several Cunths were nominated this month, no one Cunth got a majority of votes - so every cunth's scoreboard is safe... for now.
Don't forget to tune in next month for your latest hit of ATTWO!
Those metallic spheres of exo-armoured space dwarfs make me want a Ferrero Rocher. Please. Please please.
ReplyDeleteIf you'd like some Ferrero Rochie in your mouth, I'm game.
ReplyDeleteHappy Valentine's Day indeed!
ReplyDelete