Season 1 Episode 5 - The Fourth Month
Greetings viewers, and welcome back to And Then There Was One, this is Episode 5 of the world's first, only and probably final reality blog made exclusively for, by and about army painters. I am your host, Captain Crooks of the Funky Wenis Rodeo, coming to you from some kind of prison cell deep within the Himalayas, bringing you this rushed barf of an experience.
Dramatic Excavation
It is month 4 of the competition and I have finally eliminated Mr Saturday on the grounds that he has not submitted any miniatures, and also he may actually be some kind of android imposter. Just a hunch I have, but in the meantime if anyone spots him, tell him to report to the suspiciously large puree machine in the basement pronto.
Speaking of revelations, we are no closer to conclusively solving Ryan Reynolds' apparent murder - Baz is still denying that his underground laboratory exists but ever since he was voted Cunth of the Month he has begun muttering to himself and making weird, lightly soiled lists comprised mainly of the other contestant's names in varying orders, but there's probably nothing to worry about there.
Lamorak finished his monthly pledge a whole 27 days early this month and spent the rest of his time trying to dissect the Dave-eggs he discovered in the forest. His efforts have so far proved unfruitful but let's face it, there's bugger all else to do on this island and it keeps him busy.
But let us get to the biscuits. Lamorak came in first this month as mentioned, followed closely by Rochie who was filled with the vigor of Papa Nurgle himself this month, presumably a side-effect of imbibing all that toilet-liquor. Baz was a distant third, but maintained his impressive miniature count. The others made it suspiciously close to 'after' deadline, and, in a big upset at this point in the contest, JB declared 'je suis fatigué' and dunked his almost completed pledge in the acetone, forfeiting his points and bringing him to the brink of elimination! Can he recover from this, or will he be rendered into nutritious goo to feed his peers?? Such suspense!! Can you even bear it?!
Now it's ATTWO time, so attend your evening classes and let's begin.
Captain Crooks of The Funky Wenis Rodeo
Greetings vaqueros! I appear to be under arrest right now for my alleged involvement in the destruction of an international space station, but fortunately I still have access to my paints and brushes, so while I await further interrogations, I have painted up half of a Devastator squad, that I may wreck some faces with the awesome power of missiles, and like big bullets and stuff.
Baz Paz of no fixed address
Well screw you Cillian Murphy! I won two prizes last month. Unfortunately some perfidious bastard voted me Cunth of the Month. But I know who is was … nuff said.
This month I finished my Command HQ. Captain Evelyn Fossintgton-St Gore the 23rd leads this Praetorian force, accompanied by his loyal orkhound. The regimental standard and bugler also make up part of the squad (118 points). This allows me to take 4 line units and 4 support units now.
In fairness, about 50% of the participants in this reality painting show are Australian (no doubt attracted by the thoughts they’d get to eat free raw kangaroo testicles or some other such delicacy), so my first support unit is the Brukunga Bushwackers led by Sergeant Alf Stewart, riding his trusty raptor Morag. I never really liked the Attilan Rough Riders so these Victoria Miniatures (Australian again!) fit the bill perfectly. They’re a hard living/fighting long range reconnaissance unit and they pack a punch with their explosive lances. I even managed to get the old Rogue Trader Roigh Rider slouch hat guy in for nostalgia. And as my old friend Cheetor always says, no horses in space and so the lizards. (points 100)
Anyway, good fun so far, especially if you’re Rochie. He hasn’t had this much social contact since Borstal.
Next month it’s Ogryns and a Commissar. Had to run the points low this month to allow for the last two months as the big lads are coming!
Rochie Rochfort of Buried Under Lead
It's all starting to smell like Baz's jockstrap around here at the minute, this month is featuring the first character and some more demons for the force with another (magical) death guard and his smelly mates, which now means I have enough models painted for a legal force, so suck my blood farts bitches! Sorcerer with the mark of nurgle and blight grenades and five plaguebearers comes to a neat and tidy 250 points. Next installment I'm doing a JB and only doing a couple of models, but unlike him I've earned it by already putting the hard yards in with actual squads and not single models and excuses
Salem of The Blackhole Ketosis
I know this is just a painting challenge, and that the whispers aren't real. Yet the further through we push, the more obscure angles and organic, heaving lines I paint, the darker the periphery of my vision becomes.
My hands stay steady, for the most part, as I complete my entry definitely on time.
Yet internally all vibrates, with a resonant shuddering as if a reality parallel to ours is using me as a stairway to climb into this one.
At first a slow, steady walk. The pulses inside few, and distant. Yet implacable.
I switch from metallics to matte, filling in the details and all but obscuring the original base coat colourshift sheen. And the steps get faster. Climbing. Climbing. Racing up the stairwell until the pounding is as loud and as rapid as my failing heartbeat. And then they're here.
Well, I've had a shower and a cup of tea and I'm feeling much better. Anyway, here's the force so far, cunningly ambushing a small inquisitorial force investigating the horrors on a remote planet.
Next month's pledge, back into troopers. But this time with a sweet ride!
1 chaos dreadnought: 135
Right arm heavy plasma gun: 40
Left arm power claw: 15
Combi weapon - body - flamer dick: Free
Total 190
Shit.
As I see the glowing yellow ball in the sky on a more frequent basis and the ground appears to be becoming less marshy underfoot, may attitude to painting improves ever so slightly. As promised last month, this months recruitment drive was much smaller to make up for my dreadful maths. Still, I managed to squeeze in a Warrior Squad for 85 pts and a Hearth Guard Leader for 23pts. This lot are equipped with the good old Lasgun but have been given Missle Launcher to add some long range punch at 34pts. The Hearthguard has a handy Power Glove (did you see what I did there?) for 10pts and also a melta bomb and a plasma grenade to bring them up to 160pts.
Kane the Portrayer of Instagram Fame
And at the eleventh hour it is done! 190 points of the heaviest dreadnought I've ever held and 50 points of treaded freehand practice, totalling 240 for this month. I'd always wanted this dreadnought as a kid but somehow never managed to put together AUD $65 with the job I didn't have.
The art on my humble rhino is somewhat inspired by that tastily campy art in the 2nd Ed Chaos codex, which I thought would bring some excitement to an otherwise less than exciting element of the army.
Next month will be back to infantry in the form of some plague marines (35 points a piece???) and a baby squad of Space Crusade Chaos marines. I think that'll take the month up to 335 points but I'll happily cop the penalty it I'm on a roll.
Bit of a mix for this month.
Rather than do whole squads I thought I’d bang out the grunts and then do all the sergeants together in another month. Doing it this way means I don’t have to do any bastard freehand little squares on knee pads for another month or so!
So, for this month we have:
8 terminators: 504 points
3 Flamers: 63 points
2 Assault Cannons: 82 points
Total: 649 points
I fancied having enough heavy/special weapons so that I can kit out the squads with whatever firepower they need to get the job done.
Lamorak Shard of Ostermark
Broke into Ryan’s room, that bastard had a 10 litre drum of Nuln Oil, so I swiped it whilst he wasn’t looking (Editor's note: This places Lamorak at the scene of the crime and would go on to become a key piece of evidence in the prosecution's case).
With all the practice I got last month I managed to knock out the second seven wraithguard without any trouble. It was nice to not be painting at midnight on the deadline for once.
Next month I need one more wraithguard to round me out to 15, then I’ll add some aspect warriors. I’m leaning towards fire dragons, but the warp spiders turned 30 last month, so I might paint up a small unit of them.
Judgement Time!
It's time to face the judges once again, and this month, in addition to the scores assigned by the three Big Brothers, I will be awarding secret bonus points as usual. This month we have reached a mighty 1000pts, and the extra points will be awarded to the contestant who has painted the greatest variety of units for their army. As kids in the 2nd ed era, collecting armies was usually tied to limited pocket money and whatever they had in a blister at your local GW store, so having a bunch of squads at the bare minimum number (or less) was a common sight. You strove to get a bit of everything that was cool - and everything WAS cool. Except maybe gretchin.
The contestant with the most variety in their army at 1000pts is the always impressive Rochie, who has painted up a character, two different flavours of traitor marines in power armour, two different flavours of daemon and a squad of terminators. Well done!
The three categories being judged are:
- Best Painted
- Most Gameworthy
- Most Fluffy
So let's hear what these Big Brothers have to say!
Brother Brush
"Best painted instalment this month is .. Whiskey Priest’s Squats. His Powerfist Commander with the triple hit of greens – olive flak, emerald carapace and evil green Powerfist is the purest incarnation of what Squats could be. On green bases, with little scatterings of pebbles from the model railway shop. I like to imagine Mr. Priest furtling around in a backstreet store, flipping through the bags of Javis Scenics and casting his desperate eye around the store to find something, anything, that can be used in his Warhammer army.
As that was that the 1990s were – a desert of options for modellers who wanted even just the basics for putting together a usable army. The OO-Gauge Railway structures – anything there to make into a cool sci-fi base? The WW1 tanks – any of them scaled to work as a Land Raider? The trees, please let there be a tree that looks like the nice ones in the White Dwarf battle reports.
There’s a real attention to detail in Whiskey’s squad this month – the boot pouches in a different colour to the boots proper, the beard rings picked out with gold, the burning end of the trooper’s cigar. Lovable. This man has obviously enjoyed his time at the paint desk. Now, Whiskey, get back to that shop and get in that modroc. And well done for getting the big weapon the right way round this time."
Brother Dice
"There's something that feels right about a dinosaur as a scifi mount. From space marine lizards and exodite dragon knights in 40k to the iconic Dino-Riders animated series & toy line, the blend of futuristic and primeval just works! And what happens if you layer up a squad outdoors-types in slouch hats on a bunch of clever girls and give them lances with explosive heads? You get a superb unit that's got style, swagger and a whole heap of gaming fun."
Brother Book
"G'day mates, take a gander at these Praetorian Rough Riders, perched atop bloody cold one dinos! Kitted out like Blain from Predator, they're as tough as nails and ain’t got time to bleed!
Picture this, cobbers: it's like Mick Dundee himself teamed up with Muldoon from Jurassic Park, ridin' through the bush like there's no tomorrow. These blokes and their dinos are as mean as a drop bear on a hot day!
This painting's a ripper, capturing the spirit of adventure and derring-do. These blokes showin' the world what it means to be true blue in the face of danger. Here's to the brave cobbers who ride the wild outback with nothin' but guts and grit, and a trusty dino between their legs!"
There it is folks, the numbers are in and the scoreboard stands as so for Month 3.
Baz: 908 + 250 + 4 + 50 (Most Fluffy) + 50 (Most Gameworthy) = 1262
Kane: 927 + 250 + 1 = 1178
Salem: 897 + 250 + 0 = 1147
Whiskey: 835 + 250 + 0 + 50 (Best Painted) = 1135
Rochie: 825 + 250 + 18 + 50 (Most Variety) = 1125
Lamorak: 788 + 250 + 27 = 1065
Mustafa: 699 + 250 + 1 = 950
JB: 748 + 0 = 748
Cunth of the Month
This month there was a flurry of Cunth votes - enough that they all cancelled each other out, meaning there shall be no Cunth this Month - unless Baz wants to keep the special hat on, that's up to him.
Don't forget to tune in next month for your latest hit of ATTWO!
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