Season 1 Episode 1 - The Introduction

Welcome viewers, to the world's first, only and probably final reality blogging experience made exclusively for, by and about army painters. This is not your grandfather's army painting blog (well not yet, we're not THAT old, except Baz), this is a down and dirty, no-holds-barred painting BATTLE, where the competitors must face mounting pressure to perform under increasingly heinous circumstances.

Who will prevail?

Who will FAIL?

Over the next few months you will see the very best and worst that humanity can offer in an episodic format that will leave you GAGGING for more... or possibly just GAGGING. We don't know how bad your reflex is. Yet. 

Dramatic Exposition

 

Season One of And Then There Was One will take us hurtling back to the dawn of the modern sci-fi wargaming scene, with contestants choosing 1500pt armies based on the rules and army books of Warhammer 40,000, 2nd edition. Released in 1993 as a follow-up to the weird, anarchic RPG-like Warhammer 40,000 - Rogue Trader, it was Games Workshop's first proper attempt to make a sci-fi miniatures wargame, with all the Vortex Grenades and Virus Strategy Cards that that entailed.

Each month for 6 months, the contestants will paint a mere 250pts worth of miniatures from their chosen army, with the goal being a fun, playable 1500pt force to play jolly games with against their friends. Easy, you might think? THINK AGAIN. These poor fools will face challenges that will break their mind, body and toilet before they are done, and not everyone will make it to the end. How do I know this? Because I have rigged the competition know what evil lies in the hearts of man, and also some girls.

For this first season, the 10 contestants will all be abandoned on the same deserted tropical island, where they will be forced to survive and paint using only their cunning and wits, and probably some brushes and paints. These 10 brave hobbyists will live together in a luxurious mansion with a fully stocked bar, 5 bedrooms and one unfortunate toilet. As the season progresses, eliminations will occur, mostly on said toilet, but also amongst the contestants themselves, via the various outrageous challenges, and also, because one of them is secretly a murderer! And the producers know this time, so the show won't get cancelled for it!

That's enough dramatic exposition from us - time to meet the playas!

 

Captain Crooks of The Funky Wenis Rodeo

Greetings vaqueros! Yes, it is I, Captain Crooks from the Funky Wenis Rodeo, definitely your very favourite and not mostly abandoned hobby blog, hosting this wild new reality blog experience. This whole thing was not my idea but I'm very happy to take credit for it.

For this challenge I will be leading the players down a path of despair, treachery and possibly, maybe, some triumph. In the process we will discover the true cost of friendship as they slowly, inevitably betray each other for the chance at becoming The Last One and claiming the grand prize* that awaits them.

There will be many more surprises in store, so make sure you stay tuned and don't miss a single episode of And Then There Was One.

*No actual prize has been announced or even discussed.

Baz Paz of no fixed address

Baz Paz is the dark horse of this group*. In anticipation of joining the reality tv competition genre, he’s been binge watching B-movie level TV shows such as ‘Glove Island’ and the ‘Great British Rake Off’. 

What this guy lacks in talent, he makes up for in disinterest and laziness. The decision of an ex-colonial subject to paint a force of Praetorian Imperial Guard demonstrates perfectly his absence of self awareness and moral compass. Hard to see him making it past round one. 

* i.e. he paints like a horse in a dark room.

 

  

Rochie Rochfort of Buried Under Lead

So, I was washing my dick in the sink this morning and Crooks' ma shouted through from the bedroom to remind me that I needed to do an intro so here we go! I AM THE NIGHT RIDER! I AM THE CHOSEN ONE. I AM THE MIGHTY HAND OF VENGEANCE SENT TO STRIKE DOWN THE UNROADWORT- wait, hang on, that's wrong [Editor's note: It's not wrong, it's just not for now...].

I'm Rochie, I like painting toy soldiers and drinking. I also like staring into space wondering just what the fuck I've done with my life but that's just as a special occasional treat. Chaos got my pubescent willy twitching back in 2nd edition and now it's back to stir these now ravaged loins once more. It'll be Black Legion, just like my first army, but with a lot more years under my belt and the two page Blanche* spread from the codex as inspiration it's time to fuck this challenge right in the mouth. First month is an easy painting one to allow me time to get the conversions for the later months done, so here come (some of) the terminators (weighing in at 260 points)!

(*while I'm using the Blanche pages as inspiration , I'm not one of those pathetic "blanchitsu" nonces who have made it their life's goal to see how far they can crawl up the poor man's arsehole, he is great, but I have no interest in what his meaty donut tastes like)

 

 

Salem of The Blackhole Ketosis

I am Salem, and I am here to participate, as a normal human who likes to dip hairs on sticks into fluids, and smear those fluids on tiny figures of people. People I definitely do not know and am not using as a surrogate for some issues. I have been painting off and on for decades, mostly off, but with a resurgence in the last half decade or so. As much as I enjoy this 'hobby', I often need external motivation to push me, and this challenge will be that for the next few months. 

By this stage of my life my normal ability to feel compassion had been eradicated, the victim of a slow, purposeful erasure. I was simply imitating reality, a rough resemblance of a human being, with only a dim corner of my mind functioning. There is an idea of a Salem, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: I simply am not there.

These guys are, though! A unit of 4 Veteran Chaos Space Marines, including missile launcher, lead by an additional Aspiring Champion with the Praise of Khorne and a Chainsword. Somewhere around 245 points. They'll need a good stripping before I get stuck into them.

 

  

 

JB Asslessman of Leadplague

Hi, my name is Asslessman, I'm like totally a regular guy abandonned at birth, missing a butt and raised by beavers but really I don't want that to define me so I keep it to myself. When I was 13, I was practically run over by a car that passed just 20 feet from me, this near death experience was like a complete eye opener and it's fair to say that the fact my brother got a blister of 3 Striking Scorpions 3 months later and had me paint them totally saved my life. 

So when Captain Crooks and Whiskey Priest offered we do a tale of gamers with 2nd ed armies I immediately thought "hey, how dare they treat me like I'm nothing just because I like to wear blue, that doesn't make me a psychopath and no I'm not letting you touch my feet", luckily, after we explained things a bit more I understood they probably just meant we had a popularity vote in the group so in order to put all the chances behind me I thought, "hey I could paint 1500pts of 2nd ed army over 6 months, that would make me look cool".

Now obviously I was gonna go for chaos but I actually had nothing to make an army on its own, just plenty to add to the one I have, so Obviously I said "hey, Tyranids are really where it's at lately and like totally counted points of what I have which added up to barely half what I needed like HELLLOOOO, are these guys THAT cheap ? Even Rochie isn't that cheap!

 

So obviously I like totally thought of orks first and realised I only had like a unit of 10 boyz and a snakebite boss left so I immediately thought (my friends say I'm like super smart) about that army of Eldar I stripped, prepared, based and all exactly 10 years ago and which would like totally make me complete the circle with my son born exactly 10 years ago and my brother still missing a fully painted Eldar army.

Wow, I'm frightening myself being so good, obviously, some people in the group will try to silence me, I know it, I'm prepared for it, It's Ok

 

My first entry will be the ultimate Eldar boss: the Avatar, not the nauseating 3D musical, the liquid metal god of fiery drama. I started painting him then but never went very far with it so I'll be getting closure and a little headstart with 300 points in one model!

Editor's Note: Clearly, JB has cheated here by starting the challenge with a model with stages painted beyond just priming, but somehow the producers have absolutely no way of controlling or penalising this behaviour, so they just made sure all 9 of his new roommates knew exactly what he had done and they are all wiping their stank balls on his pillow as we type.

 

Mr Saturday of Mr Saturday's Mumblings

Google's Bard gives this:

Sure, here is an introduction for a blog about painting a Warhammer army in 250 point chunks, written by David Stafford and focusing on collecting second edition Necrons:

Necron Resurrection: A 250-Point Painting Odyssey

By David Stafford

Greetings, fellow denizens of the grimdark! I, David Stafford, am here to embark on a monumental undertaking: painting a Warhammer 40,000 army in 250-point increments. And not just any army, mind you, but the ever-undead Necrons of the second edition.

Now, some might scoff at the notion of segmenting such a metallic horde into bite-sized chunks. "Madness!" they'll cry. "Where's the glory in savoring the savor of a single Monolith?"

But to those naysayers, I say: pish posh! This is not about breakneck speed, but about savoring the journey. It's about appreciating the intricate details of each gauss rifle casing, the subtle glow of every energy orb. It's about transforming these plastic and pewter warriors from mere sprues into a cohesive, battle-ready force, one brushstroke at a time.

And who better to lead this reanimation than the Necrons themselves? These enigmatic space skeletons boast an aesthetic that's both hauntingly beautiful and brutally efficient. Their sleek lines and angular forms beg to be highlighted with metallic paints, while their glowing eyes and crackling energy fields practically demand vibrant neon hues.

But fear not, for I won't be diving headfirst into the abyss of a 2,000-point army just yet. We'll start small, with a humble patrol of 250 points. A few Warriors, perhaps, a scarab swarm for added skittering menace, and maybe even a Cryptek to oversee the glorious reanimation process.

As we conquer each 250-point milestone, we'll add more units to the fold. A terrifying Tomb Stalker to unleash havoc amongst the enemy ranks. A lumbering Monolith casting its deadly shadow. Maybe even the Silent King himself, should my brushstrokes prove worthy of such a legendary being.

This blog will chronicle my every step, from assembling the models (may the Scarab sprue gods have mercy on my sanity) to the final varnishing flourish. I'll share my triumphs and tribulations, my tips and techniques, and hopefully inspire a few of you to embark on your own miniature painting odyssey.

So, grab your brushes, fellow hobbyists, and prepare to delve into the Necron resurrection project! Together, we shall prove that even the grandest of armies can be built brushstroke by brushstroke, 250 points at a time.

And who knows, maybe along the way we'll uncover some ancient secrets, awaken some slumbering protocols, and rewrite the very definition of what it means to paint a Warhammer army.

Onwards to the battlefield!

Until next time,

David Stafford

(Editor's Note: Dave seems to be using modern Necron minis, which is entirely within the rules of the challenge given the difficulty of sourcing original minis. I don't know much about the modern Necron ranges and how they map onto the 2nd edition rules so this will be really interesting to follow!)

P.S. I'm also open to suggestions! If you have any tips for painting Necrons, or just want to chat about the grimdark, feel free to leave a comment below. I'm always eager to hear from fellow battle-brothers (and sisters) of the hobby.

I hope this is a good introduction for your blog. Please let me know if you have any other questions.

Bard may display inaccurate info, including about people, so double-check its respon

 

Whiskey Priest of The Leadpile

I think this might have been my idea, I can't quite remember, a lot happens in a day. I usually have these kinds of ideas when I'm on the shitter in the morning checking up what the night-shift of antipodeans have been up to. I'm still going to blame the dear Captain though. He deserves all the blame in the world. Anyway, I'm painting stuff for this challenge thing and I'm old enough to know better. So I'm going to do any army that barely exists, that barely ever existed, that clung onto 2nd edition with the slimmest of fingernails... Squats!

I think I need to add some personal details in order to fit the theme... Ok, My Real name is Methusala P. Ridgeback, I'm an Aries, I'm a Gastroenterologist from Vladivostok, I can deadlift 767lbs, my preferred method of communication is clay tablets and I drive a short wheelbase Sherman at children's parties.

 

Kane the Portrayer of Instagram Fame

    What's happening, Kane the Portrayer, megacuck simp to the Dark Gods here. This 2nd Ed Chaos warband will be my 6th Chaos army and my stinkiest step along the Eightfold Path yet. 

I'm mostly a paint goblin and converter (where I can make my own luck), now trying my hand at every old ass game I overlooked and sorely regret missing.

Humidity in Sydney, Australia has been sketchy at best so once the coast is clear I will be pledging these handsome lads, totalling 302pts (minus the champ with power fist is down to 262 if you're fussy)

 

 

 

Mustafa of Spevna Studio

Mustafa decided to join in with this challenge as he has far too many unpainted miniatures and is desperately in need of reasons to paint them. But what to paint…?

The eyes of a thousand small combatants from the far future stared at him longingly as he stood in his hobby room wracked with indecision.

“PAINT ME!!!” The Death Guard rasped at him as he cowered under his painting table.

“Caress me with your brush” the Swooping Hawks cooed at him as he found himself getting uncomfortably aroused and hard.

“FOR THE EMPEROR!!!” barked the Space Marines as Mustafa got on all fours and assumed the position. He knew what had to be done.

A squad of terminators shall be Mustafa’s first offering. Without any extras they come in at 315 points. Ignore the sergeant’s lack of a right arm. Mustafa is as absent minded as he is indecisive, but he shall find the arm or poo it out eventually. Resin is oh so tasty, and it tickles on the way out.

 

 

 

 

Lamorak Shard of Ostermark

Unlike these other twat baskets I'm not doing this by choice. I'm an exile in the colonies and promises were made, paint a bunch of old shit and I might be allowed to return home. 

I am however a lazy scrote and figured that a bunch of tanks would be the fewest models to paint to get my ticket.

I therefore intended to paint 3 falcons and an assortment of aspect warriors to stick in them.

I can't fit more than 18 models 3 falcons so my total model count will be 21 or less.

 

  

Ryan Reynolds of ryanreynoldsofficial.com

Hey folks! Celebrity guest contestant Ryan Reynolds here; really glad to be a part of this, I have to say. I was so stoked to see that I had won out against Henry Cavill in the auditions because he is a huge fan of the Warhammer - but not as huge as me, of course!

I'm between large Hollywood and Netflix productions right now so I'm super committed to winning this competition, and showing the world there's more than one handsome leading man that knows his way around a Warman 4000. I'm going to have to do a bit of catching up in the miniatures department though because I seem to have misplaced my box of Tyrannosaurids and Genesplicers in the basement somewhere, haha! Just got too many old boxes of miniatures down there! My wife thinks I'm such a nerd!

The good folks in the competition have pointed me in the direction of some Facebook trading groups that should help me get on track, so don't you worry, I'll be on track to that 250pts of Hordus Heresy and his big bad brothers in no time!  

 

Outroduction

Well there it is folks, the opening salvos of what promises to be an all out hobby WAR. The next update will be in early January, where the results of the first month of competition will be revealed. Don't even THINK about spilling a single drop of AND THEN THERE WAS ONE - Season 1!

"...Can you believe, they told me that Adeptus Custodes weren't a viable force for 2nd edition games - I mean, they had miniatures in the bloody Rogue Trader range, they predate this crappy edition by YEARS, surely they could have accommodated me? I mean REYNOLDS? That guy wouldn't know a Betcher's Gland from a Sus-an membrane, and..."