Season 1 Episode 4 - The Halfway Point

Greetings viewers, and welcome back to And Then There Was One, Episode 4 of the world's first, only and probably final reality blog made exclusively for, by and about army painters. I am your host, Captain Crooks of the Funky Wenis Rodeo, coming to you live from a crashed escape pod on top of Mt Everest, bringing you this soused lush of an experience.

Dramatic Exclamation

     Month 3 of the competition has seen some big shake-ups. It turns out that the green orb Dave sent me was full of swarms of robotic beetles that can strip the flesh from a man in seconds! Thanks Dave, but maybe next time send something normal like, I dunno, a pudding? In the meantime I'm putting you on notice for elimination because I still haven't received your January pledge.

 The International Space Station is a total bust, by the way, I was lucky to escape with my life. Fortunately the enormous pile of garbage on top of Mt Everest lessened the impact when my escape pod 'landed'. The residual heat from impact is probably the only thing preventing me from freezing, so I've got that going for me, which is nice.

When we last checked in with our other contestants, things were getting depressing and mean - so imagine my surprise when we discovered that someone had murdered Ryan! Well we assume he is dead, we found a simply phenomenal amount of blood in his room! That means we have our first official elimination! 

Kane was briefly questioned about the whereabouts of his roommate, and we discovered that Ryan had been rambling about Baz Paz having some kind of secret basement laboratory, but the conversation was swiftly derailed when Rochie revealed the first batch of the toilet-ouzo he had been brewing since day 1 was finally ready, and you best be believing that the contestants partook with extreme prejudice.

Upon waking from this debauch, Lamorak found himself clad in fresh boarskin and lying in a pool of his own filth in the centre of what appeared to be a forest clearing filled with toaster-like eggs. He could have sworn he saw naked Dave squatting in the shadows, grunting one of these strange excretions out before once again fleeing into the trees. 

As the other contestants slowly awoke, a low flying aircraft dropped what looked like a package that landed somewhere on the extinct volcano at the centre of the island. A violent scramble ensued among the contestants to see who would get to it first. Salem (in his Dire Wolf form) and JB (in his French form) fought like rabid dogs over what turned out to be Ryan's eBay delivery of an original, shrink-wrapped 2nd ed Ork army box! At some point in the scuffle the contents of the box spilled out onto the mountainside and it turned out that this sealed box was filled with rocks. What a shame!

Enough now! Let us see what the contestants produced this month. Kane was first over the line for the second time in a row, his youthful endurance proving it's worth as the tired old men all around him begin to flag. Rochie scraped together some dignity after last month's 11th hour entry and came in second, and JB came in third with a shock entry of more than a single figure!

Now it's ATTWO time, so produce your hall passes and let's begin.

 

Captain Crooks of The Funky Wenis Rodeo

    Greetings vaqueros! In an effort to keep my fingers from dropping off due to frostbite from the sub-zero temperatures atop Mt Everest, I have been madly painting this Space Marine Dreadnought and accompanying techmarine, that I may one day use them to crush my foes; specifically Lamorak, Kane and Salem who are unfortunate enough to share a continent with me when they aren't trapped on a deserted island painting under my lash.

Please note that 5 of the tactical marines were painted before this challenge started and are included for the sake of awesome.

Baz Paz of no fixed address

Month 3 of the redcoats done. Thank fuck that’s the mooks finished. The third infantry squad has a flamer trooper and the first with a veteran ability - Guerillas - 120 points.The Heavy Weapons boys are veterans with the ‘Slick Crew’ ability and cost 126 points. Total Points - 246.

 

  

Rochie Rochfort of Buried Under Lead

Jesus hairy Christ that was a dodgy one. Got my entry finished nice and early, went about me business for the rest of the month and when I go to take the sexy photos I drop the bastards onto the garage floor. So, after calling everything and everyone an absolute dirty Tory nonce cunt, I took a deep breath, rolled my sleeves up and fixed them. So here yis go, five plague marines, two nurgling bases and a stress induced ulcer. I hope this are happy with yourselves, putting me through this fucking torment. Oh, and a special well done to JB who managed to do more than one mini this month, but I'm sure he'll be back to form next time.

 

 

Salem of The Blackhole Ketosis

*Incoherent screeching and sounds of simmering flesh*

I wanted the jugger to look like it was full of lava and just ready to burst at the seams. I used some white ink followed by yellow fluoro for the grooves. Lightly airbrushed over with a fluoro orange, and then again with a mix of a fluoro red and regular red. I then went back around sponging on some extremely dark metallic black as the ash/burnt effect. By then it was 1am and I still hadn't finished the rider, so I just grabbed two random Vallejo Xpress colours, a purple and an orange. I did the legs with purple on the bottom half and orange on the top (over the silver drybrushed base), and as serendipity would have it, it gave a half decent "heat stressed" metal effect. It doesn't come out so well in the photos. But trust me, it's definitely something in person. Something adequate. 

Next month, dreadnaught!

 

  

 

JB Asslessman of Leadplague

 

    Hey all, after last month's attempt to take me out of the course (I clearly didn't screw that prime coat on my own, IT WAS RIGGED) I continued to not follow my original plans and therefore painted what I meant to paint on the second month. 

This time I had a little more on my plate though with a total of 6 models !!!

I originally only had 5 but thought I had 6 so acquiring a sixth wraithguard was my first mission. With that done, I started experimenting on a mix of Contrast paints with Vallejo Express paints to achieve a grey I was happy with.

I knew from the beginning I didn't want my eldar to be all neat and clean so that left me with some room for trial and error, however, I did get careless when I airbrushed the red gradient on some of them and forgot to mask the rear, leaving a red veil on 2 of them. Bummer. This has got to be a set up, no way I could be THAT daft.

For now, I have about twice the points for HQ I have for troops so nowhere near a legal army yet and next month will be heavy stuff so things will only balance on the very last month !

It was nice taking all of them out though to face some orks just to see how they do visually and I gotta say I'm well happy with them !

Since next month will be War walkers, I hope there won't be some sabotage like the previous months which would totally be some secret 3rd ed lover *curses and spits on the ground* and definitely not the notorious fragility of those models...

 

Mr Saturday of Mr Saturday's Mumblings

"SCREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"

 

Whiskey Priest of The Leadpile

After several months of rain and grumpiness I am starting to say the brief glimpses of sunshine beaming through the clouds. As usual I left it all to.the last minute but I am starting to enjoy painting these little toe rags, to the point that Dwarf army doe ToW is looking actually tempting. This months offering gives me another two members of the HQ squad, Hearthgaurd in Exo-Armour, to bring the whole unit to 5. Then I've got another couple of characters, the Battle Standard Bearer will be in with one of the infantry units and so is not upgraded much. Then there is an Engineer who I also put in exo armour as there isn't any normal power armour in the squat list. And finally for this month there is a mole-mortar and crew, the first of my weapons teams. This all adds up too.....erm..

Tap

Tap, tap,

Tappity tap

Tappity-tap-tap tap-tap...

FUCK

322 points.

This is how the army is looking at the moment. 2 squads of warriors, 1 hq squad, Engineer, BsB and mole mortar and it rolls in at 840 points. Meaning I've painted 90 points more than I needed to. So next month I'm going to try and only do 160 to get me back on track!

Kane the Portrayer of Instagram Fame

First in best dressed! Lord Emphesemus is in the house to take charge of the assembled Black Legion with some mechanised support. Let's talk numbers. This month's pledge is a Chaos Lord in Terminator armour with the Mark Nurgle and waving about a Plague Sword, totalling 163pts. Accompanying him is a Predator with heavy bolter sponsons totalling 105pts. 268pts for the month will carry me slightly ahead to 890pts. For March I'll be pushing on with a Rhino and the old metal dreadnought that when tossed could go straight through the side of a Corolla.

 

 

 

Mustafa of Spevna Studio

    Month 3 done, and I went for another easy option.

To be fair, every month is an easy one when doing a terminator army, but two dreadnoughts is easier than five terminators.

Pretty basic job on these as it’s been a busy month with limited painting time. I might go back and tart them up with a bit of graffiti or heraldry at some point, but I’ll wait and see how well they do in their first game. If they manage to kill anything they’ll feel the tender, loving caress of my paint brush once more. If they get blown up on the first turn they’ll be shunned for all eternity!!!

Anyway, here’s the points breakdown.

1 dreadnought with two powefists and built in stormbolters: 145 points

1 dreadnought with a missile launcher and lascannon: 215 points

Total: 360 points

   

 

 

 

 

Lamorak Shard of Ostermark

Still haven't managed to find my Nuln Oil, all appears lost.

I managed to get my seven wraithguard painted at the eleventh hour, though they look rather fetching in their blue and yellow. I'm so taken with them that I've had a rummage through the other guys stashes and have managed to swipe another eight.

Because I'm able to read and understand the concept of sticking to a budget I'll be aiming to paint another seven wraithguard this month and the final fifteenth will be part of month five.

Judgement Time!

  It's time to face the judges once again, and this month, in addition to the scores assigned by the three Big Brothers, we will be awarding secret bonus points as usual. This month you may have noticed everyone included an army shot - that's because all contestants who have managed, at 750pts, to produce a legal force according to their army Codex in 2nd edition will get an extra 50pts. 750pts is often considered the lowest points level one can make a 'proper' 40k force for playing with, so it will be interesting to see who is battle ready at this, the halfway point of the competition! 

  

The three categories being judged are:

- Best Painted

- Most Gameworthy

- Most Fluffy

So let's hear what these Big Brothers have to say!

Brother Brush

"Army of the month again goes to Kane’s Chaos Space Marines. Intentionally or no, Kane is celebrating the awkward design choices of the 2E era with the spiked-rail Predator upgrades that restrict the turret movement – the acid green bases that make the army look like it’s strolling across a golf course – that ridiculous mezzo-soprano rectangle glued to the front of the tank. (Actually, I think it’s a more a bass-baritone rectangle, but I said mezzo-soprano as that’s more recognisable as an opera term. Do you like opera?) Anyway, you may think these remarks are criticisms , but no, these are delighted remarks of a man nostalgic for that era of 40K. Kane is channeling Chaos in all its spoopy-naff glory of the Walmart Halloween decoration aisle. Please add some Night Lords with stupid giant batwing head in the coming months, Kane.

To talk about the painting, Kane has made the tank look dark and evil with a deep blue-black, and is not just relying on the ridiculous Chaos Upgrade sprue to add a sense of menace to the tank, but has freehanded a Chaos Star. Top work.  

Special mention to Whiskey Priest’s Squats with the lovely freehand runic markings and absolute flex of owning all the nicest and rarest Squat models. Teasing is in order he has pointed the Mole Mortar backwards –them tunnel torpedoes will be firing at your Squat backline, laddie. Conventional aerial rounds this mortar not be firing."

Brother Dice

"Pith helmets and redcoats evoke Zulu, Flashman and Carry on Up the Khyber. They also evoke the obstinate and flawed view of Imperial might bringing enlightenment to the savage. I suspect that Baz's unit of guardsmen will find alien horrors not at all to their liking. They will undoubtedly stand firm with bristling mustaches and stiff upper lips, before meeting messy and horrible ends. They probably deserve it!"

Brother Book

"Behold the Crimson Conquest, where steel meets fury, and blood flows as rivers! In this tableau of carnage, Salem's Juggernaut roars forth, a mighty steed bearing a Khorne Renegade, a warrior of unyielding ferocity!

See how the strokes of the brush capture the essence of battle, the rage in every layer, the bloodlust in every hue. With each stroke, the artist pays homage to the eternal struggle, the eternal hunt, and the eternal glory of Khorne!

In this masterpiece, the Blood God's essence is captured, his wrath embodied. Let it be known across the realms that this painting stands as a testament to the might of Khorne, a beacon of fury and a symbol of undying war!"

There it is folks, the numbers are in and the scoreboard stands as so for Month 3.

Kane: 561 + 250 + 16 + 50 (Legal 750) + 50 (Best Painted) = 927

Baz: 606 + 250 + 2 + 50 (Legal 750) - 50 (CotM) + 50 (Most Gameworthy) = 908

Salem: 546 + 250 + 1 + 50 (Legal 750) + 50 (Most Fluffy) = 897

Whiskey: 534 + 250 + 1 + 50 (Legal 750) = 835

Rochie: 562 + 250 + 13 = 825

Lamorak: 486 + 250 + 2 + 50 (Legal 750) = 788

JB: 492 + 250 + 6 = 748

Mustafa: 447 + 250 + 2 = 699

Dave: "SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

Ryan Reynolds

Cunth of the Month

This month there was a single Cunth nomination - and therefore, we have a Cunth of the Month! And it's Baz Paz! The poor cunth will be docked 50pts from his score, and he will be forced to wear the Garland of Cunths about his sorrowful brow. Better luck next month, Cunth!

Don't forget to tune in next month for your latest hit of ATTWO!